Challenge Accepted!!!!

Needless to say for those who truly know me,Febrin Low is someone who never back down from completely useless, ridiculous and lame challenges! I spend half my life thinking of useless challenges and the other half trying to complete them. It could range from as simple as drinking a whole can of frizzy drink at one go, or walking on thin ice, to trying on a skirt... my life is full of such useless moments. And I am proud for that! Often i got questions asking me why do I bother doing them in the first place? Is it just plain stupid and ridicuous?

Perhaps it is exactly so that's why it appeal to me? Perhaps when I am doing something that goes against what is "rational" and "reasonable", it makes me feel alive. For that few moments, it make me feel like I am actually living my own life and make me feel as if I can make up my own mind. It maybe a stupid reason, but at least it is my own reason. it is the proof that I am still alive. If I had done everything in the most reasonable and rational manner, I maybe an perfect person. But that wouldnt be me, that wouldnt be living.

So why is it that I am writing all these? am I going to do something absolutely crazy? haha or perhaps I have already done them all? The answer is because I just came back from a 7 years long challenge. 7 years ago, I made a promise to my two friends that if they one day decided to get married, I would grace their wedding and be their servant. And today they have officially gotten married. So yes! I took all measures to get to their wedding lunch. Paid 100 bucks in hao bao, just so I could fulfil this almost a decade long challenge of becoming their servant for a day, fulfilling their every whims and fancy. hahahaaha So yes, it is probably just one more stupid event in my life, but it will definitely be one that I am happy to do. To be able to see them being happy, and to know that I am still the same crazy idiot i was 7 years ago, I am happy. (though i still believed that making me their slave for a day is the main reason for getting married)

Xiao Brin Brin

Name is such a unique thing. We dun get to choose it, yet we hate it when someone forgets it. we have no say in choosing it, yet we live with it as if it is part of our own self-identity. We know that it is just a string of few words with no real dictionary meaning, yet we took effort to protect and sanctify it from smears and criticisms.

For me I have so many countless permutations in my name.... Febrin, Furby, Fairy Mcfurry, Xiao brin brin, Brinz, Frinz, Feb, FebZ, feebin, feibulinghuo, frinz, febreeze, flabby, uncle feb, walking joke, uncle joke, febrin the fabulous, febrin the joke. Every single permutations are shared memories. None of it was ever my creation, but rather a creation of many shared experiences and memories with so many different people that crosses my path. It is a single free gift that price cannot dictate. it is a small gesture, yet it compasses and epitomizes everything that the person imagined me to be. Sometimes just thinking about my nicknames remind me all of memories and experience that I shared with my friends and family in my path. So my question is if it is my name unique or are my memories elusive or is it simply an issue of diffidence?

Family and Friend

I remember there was a time back when i was still in JC, when my friends asked me who is more impt, my friends or family? Obviously I would say its my family... I meant ultimately it is your family who reared and take care of you.. and will always be with you... Its part of the job scope! Tonight marks the last night that I will spend with my scottish friends, I cant believed that I am this sad. I don't recall being this sad when i graduate from my schools, or when i discover I did badly for A levels. But tonight after they tried to dump me in the closet (which i obviously put up a gd fight against 5 of them), I thought to myself that this will probably be the last time I ever do this with them? I recall all the stupid things I did with them (streaking, drinking beers, betting if Kiren will get that gal, Kieran burning down the Kitchen, entertaining the three gals from leeds and oslo, going to fresher week, having a "sandwich", going to a strip club, having my first ever surprize party... Somehow even in the seemingly unexpected time, something amazing might just appear! Somehow I realize i really became think of them as my family in Scotland. I remember there was a time long ago when i thought I had the worst luck in getting them as my flatmates, some 17-18 years old who seem young and reckless. I dun even understand their accent and all the TV shows they are joking about... But now why now i could be so sad?

I always thought the measurement of how awesome your exchange is, depends on how many countries you been to in your exchange? Perhaps like Brian, where there are so many singaporeans who travelled together, cooked together, have fun together would be considered as the best possible exchange ever. I had always judge my exchange using a singaporean guage and often secretly begrudged fate for it, but tonight i understand mine is different, and beautifully so. For now, I am really happy and sad that I had this experience, somehow without knowing I gotten used to them and treated them as my family. Tomorrow, I am leaving for Rome, and probably I wont see them for a long long time... But even so, I will and hope to continue to treat them as my friend and family. In this rough and frozen land, these young and awesome flatmates like lindsey and kieran, shown me that it is in winter that you find warmth.

Rabbit and Turtle

Katana is probably one of the most sharp object in the world. The secret behind this dangerous weapon lies in the usage of two different type of metal- high carbon steel and low carbon steel. High carbon steel is generally sharper and stronger, however it tends to be brittle and may break in combat, on the other hand, low carbon steel is generally more durable, but weaker. Thus it can be said that a right combination between this two metal would give rise to a strong, yet durable blade. However, since i was young, I had been wondering whats the point of being durable if it is not sharp enough? whats the point of trying when you cant win? why cant u just use high-carbon metal and be the strongest for however short duration possible? Indeed, I lived through my life trying to be a blade tt cut through everything. For isnt it wonderful, to know that you can always be the best and have no worries. Indeed for example how i study, is definitely one of the least efficient methods and probably damage myself more than what i actually learn, however the only benefit was tt it is definitely throughout and able to generate good result so far... I dun really care abt what happened to me, so as long i get gd grades. TT was my motivation for a while. I remember i always tell myself, I must always be ready for the one final showdown tt i will get in my life and train myself accordingly. There will never be a second chance in life.

However what changes my mind was ironically my most hated and feared module ever, visual anthropology.... I cannot begin to say how fearsome this adversary... for the first time in my life, i feel like i really dont know anything abt the module despite attending the lessons and doing some of the readings... I just cant get it. Fear triumph in my body. Everything seems so abstract and far away from me... I thought I might really give up and turn in something lousy, but somehow i dun think i know enough to even churned out something lousy. It was then I came across the concept of "simmer". To appreciate good music, and good food, one cannot just gobbled them up. One have to slowly appreciate all the various taste and sound, to understand the fullness and the totality of the whole event. One must let the experience "simmer".

it is the same as life, unlike what i perceived in the past, where all the past events just accumulate into a gigantic clash that awaits sometime in the future. I must learn to simmer, and to let the events flow. Do not rush into things and try to accomplish everything, and simply forget about everything else... Even in chaos, given enough time, you can perhaps find something deeper and more meaningful. You could make sense in chaos. However, if I never step into chaos in the first place, I would perhaps nvr understand the hidden logic behind it. Time is perhaps the most wonderous medicine in life.

School

Dear readers (that basically mean me) ... They say that a woman is at her prettiest at her own wedding, and that is also the day where every girl became a princess ( and basically the ultimate ruler of the wedding universe). So when is a man most glorious moment? we all know that he is pretty much the extra in the wedding, he is only there because we need at least two for a marriage (otherwise there will be limitless number of weddings) When I think about the most glorious moment in a man life, it is not when he got promoted, or when he became rich (face it, its never enough for a man) or even when he goes around calling everyone his favourite. I think the most glorious moment of a man life, lies when he tries his best and give his all. The moment in which he pours his all and focus, he transcends the reality into a spiritual reality, where his very soul clashes and struggle against all adversity. This is it. This is the sole moment, where your reality and dreams meet, where you get a chance for once in life to make it meaningful. That is the moment of glory. And that is something i have been searching for in my life, finding something important and striking for it. No worries, I still havent found it yet.

Recently in Edinburgh, I rediscover the difficulty I had when i tried to adjust to the pace in NUS. The difficulty in following and understanding the three honors modules out of a sudden. Not to mentioned (which i am about to mention), the several masters students who seem to be everywhere in the three modules and knowing everything. I have to admit, my traditional methods in studying doesnt really seem to work here. I came back and forth classes without learning anything (or understanding anything much at all) Am i doom to fail here? I needed an explanation. So i started to think about what to do next and how to make sense of it. To keep it short, i decided that its not because that they are so advanced that I couldnt keep up with them, but rather, its my expectation of them are so high that they cant keep up with my expectations. I keep thinking everything that they say must be a revelation! I mean they are a better university in terms of ranking, they are either honors or master students, I thought they will be beyond me. But the truth is they are learning too, they dont have everything figured out.... they too asked general questions and not everything they say must be an enlightenment. So i decided I cannot falter here thinking that they will be great, because if I can live past this, all that i believed in, all that i used to encourage other people will be falsified. This is who I am and who i want to be and who I hope to be.

It is then, i discovered something. There is no such thing as a singular moment of glory. Everyday when u give it all to handle all such of problem, no matter how big or small a problem, you are focusing. There is no single moment or single day, all there are is honest people doing honest work everyday, believing in yourself and staying on as who you believed you are. Life is a constant struggle and constant magic. And everyday, no matter how small it is, we shine, just like when you really love someone, she wont just be pretty on the wedding day.

Retrospection

Recently, i heard an interesting theory on life. It goes something like this life is like a swing, there will definitely be ups and downs, however the important thing is about keep moving and trying... If for a second, for fear of going down, we stopped moving, then what awaits us is only an eternity of boredom. What is the point of living, when u are not really living.... After entering University, i always thought of life is like a struggle, constantly forcing one to move on, keep pushing myself out of my comfort zone, changing and trying on new things. But i dont know when or how, i seem to have somehow drift back to my comfort zone. Being in geog soc, and gifted with my friends and loved by my family, somehow i lost the determination to keep moving and fallen into my comfort zone that used to be so important in my life. For example, i no longer find the urgency to keep making new friends or scoring higher results. Granted i believed i am still rather frdly towards other ppl, however, somehow i dont feel the urge or the need to really make new friends. I was doing well, wasnt I?

However, Edinburgh has really been a new challenge for me. In a way, it can be considered as the worst possible university that i could have chosen. For the first time in my life, i am in a city where i dont know anyone at all... I am in a city where I cant really fit in. And i could be easily forgotten and left alone within this city. I remember in the first two days, I couldnt understand anything that my flatmates were talking about and everyday seems to pass on without any meaning. I was for a while worried or even scared, that this once in a lifetime chance could be gone, and I wouldnt have done anything at all... Stagnation worried me more than anything. Yet it was this fear that re-awaken something that i seem to have forgotten, the urgency and the desire to push on, to break out of my comfort zone once more and to try new things in new ways. Perhaps it would be as good as i dream of, perhaps it would nt be worth it in the end, perhaps i just wasted my chance, but i think its the effort that justify my life. I dont just want a life of glory and success, but a life where i can keep striking for. If for nothing, i think this SEP is worth it, for it reminds me of something i lost without knowing, to be alive.

Athens of the North

Before i came to the city of Edinburgh, i always thought Edinburgh as the lost lamb of the north. Entangled in shadows of one of the world most powerful nation, Scotland had always attempted to differentiate itself from England. It seeks not to be a parasite of England, but rather stand up as its own. However, the few days i have been here had taught me alot about the student culture. Edinburgh is a truly wonderful city. Its a city of opportunities and hope. It is a city where you could have a pie-fight in the afternoon, followed by a discussion about God, a potluck with tens of international students and end off with a wonderful evening at a pub talking just about anything in the world with foreign students. The dynamic and vibrant pace of the city truly captivated me, making the city of Edinburgh ever more attractive to me...... All alone in a strange and foreign city, Edinburgh has truly shown me both the warmth of a home and the solitude of a travellor.